Politics and Playing Pirates
A final solution...
I think modern-day politics is missing a trick. Or rather, I think we let the pricks get away with too much (I doubt there are many who’ll argue with me on this). The way I see it, we do one of two things: One, we get rid of the politicians altogether and replace them with a kind of silent bureaucrat, let’s call them the ‘administrators’. They’d be selected through interview by a panel of conscientious and civilly minded people, and we’d never have to look at them or listen to them whine or fling shit at their political opponents, since they’d be completely faceless and behind the scenes. All political decisions would be made by referendum on the blockchain and carried out by these drab minions, who are forbidden by their role from engaging in any kind of private business. A quiet life for us all, free from the chatter of sycophantic assholes.
Or, two, we make the profession of politics much more dangerous. I mean, life-threatening. And I’ve got some ideas…
The Piazza Navona, one of Rome’s most picture-postcard squares, was built on the former stadium of Domitian. You can still see the remnants of the stadium today from the Piazza di Tor Sanguigna at the northern end of the Piazza Navona. It’s a UNESCO World Heritage site.
After the fall of the Roman Empire the stadium was paved over and became the site of the city market. The name of the city market is believed to be a corruption of the Greek ‘agones’, meaning ‘battles’ or ‘struggles’ (which survives in the English language today as ‘agony’ and ‘agonistic’), a reference to the gladiatorial contests that used to take place in the stadium. But there’s another theory about the name of the piazza; some say it’s directly from ‘navona’, which in Italian means ‘big boat’, apparently. And this is where the history of the square gets interesting.
In the seventeenth century, Donna Olimpia Maidalchini, sister of Pope Innocent X, had the bright idea of flooding the square by stopping up the drainage of the three fountains, filling it with water for the month of August. What Olimpia wanted to do was recreate the naval battles which used to be staged in the Stadium of Domitian, and to that end the flooded square was populated with boats, the aristocratic residents of Rome coming along to watch the ensuing mayhem.
Modern Day Pirate Battles
Are you getting it yet? Oh yes. Here’s what we do:
Once a year (or right before elections) we flood the main squares of our cities and put a dozen boats on it. The politicians vying for our votes will be required to take to the water and sail against their political enemies, and fight to the last man in mock pirate battles. Fucken eh. We’ll arm them with a few mini-cannons (Or maybe we make it like the gladiatorial days and let them chose their weapons: cannon, rocket, gatling gun, etc) and let them rip at each other. Follow my logic please. This is gonna get rid of all the sociopaths from the political sphere, because we know they don’t like to put themselves in physical danger. Sure, it might attract the psychos instead, but aren’t they much easier to gauge? Less conniving, at least. It would take all the skullduggery out of politics.
Because aren’t we missing a real social and communal spectacle these days? Wouldn’t we benefit from having it back? And what better way to do it than by pitting these crafty fucks against each other in a fight to the death.
“You wanna run shit––fine. Earn it.”
Makes sense to me. Or, we do it the quiet way.
But something’s not working. Tell me if you have a better idea.
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